Navigating the Teen Years: Practical Strategies for Parents to Foster Trust, Handle Challenges, and Support Teen Development with Confidence

Navigating the teenage years can feel like a rollercoaster, but you don’t have to ride it alone. In this episode, host Siobhan Bingham sits down with Heather Copi- a coach, counsellor, and mom to 3 teens-to explore how parents can better understand and support their teenagers through these transformative years.

From decoding the emotional and psychological shifts of adolescence to fostering open communication and setting boundaries that work, Heather shares her expert advice and actionable strategies for building trust and connection. Together, Siobhan and Heather discuss how to approach tricky conversations with confidence, handle conflict with compassion, and empower teens to thrive in a rapidly changing world.

Tune in for an insightful conversation packed with tips and tools to help you guide your teen with clarity, patience, and grace.

In this episode, you will learn:

• How to better understand the emotional and psychological shifts your teen is experiencing.
• The importance of fostering open and honest communication with your teenager.
• Practical tips for approaching difficult or sensitive conversations with confidence, while maintaining your authority as a parent.
• Strategies for setting boundaries that promote respect and mutual understanding.
• Ways to empower your teen to build confidence, resilience, and independence.
• Insights into how parents can navigate their own emotions during the ups and downs of parenting teens.

Noteworthy quotes from this episode:

"You can't counsel your own kids. No matter what, they don’t care about the degrees and the time I’ve spent in the field. They’re my children, and I’m their mom." – Heather Copi

"The first 10 years are going to show up in the second 10 years. Be mindful in those first 10 years because it’s a foreshadowing of things to come." – Heather Copi

"Your teen needs you desperately. And they want you desperately. But they’re lost in between two worlds, and they don’t know how to show it." – Heather Copi

"Every single relationship in the world goes through connect, disconnect...and repair. If we as parents can facilitate that, our relationship with our children will be much more successful." – Heather Copi

"If your child is acting out, that’s them saying, ‘I cannot handle the level of freedom that I have. I’m in too deep.’" – Heather Copi

Connect with Heather Copi:

DM on Facebook Messenger

Email: heathervcopi@gmail.com

Connect with Siobhan:

• Tired of being tired? Go from “Too Tired” to “Ready for Anything” with Siobhan’s 21 Energy Hacks
• Ready to reclaim your energy and wellness, Mama? DM Siobhan on Instagram for details about her coaching services.
• Instagram: @everwellcoaching
• Website: everwellcoaching.com 

About Siobhan Bingham

Siobhan Bingham coaches working moms to boost their energy to show up better for their kids, their partner, their work, and themselves. Using her ALIGN framework, she provides personalized strategies to break free from exhaustion and create a daily rhythm that works with your life—not against it.

Transcript

  Hello, Heather. How are you today? 

I'm fantastic. Siobhan, how are you? 

I'm good. Thank you. So tell me a little bit about who you are and why you're here. 

I am,  first and foremost, since we're talking about teenagers today, I'm a mom of three teenagers. I have an 18 year old and 16 year old identical twin sons.

And I'm also a coach. I've been in the coaching space. I'm going to age myself big time on this podcast here, because I've been in the biz for a long time between counseling and coaching. , I've been in the coaching space since 2015. , I've done some individual work and I've worked with other coaches as well.

And I've counseled teenagers for 15 years as well. So in a nutshell, without going  too,  far off into the weeds. Yeah. And good for you for having twins. It's exciting. It's fun. Yeah. , it's its own little fun little realm. It is. It is. Especially with identicals. Yeah. Cause yeah, that's just so unexpected.

You know, I was shocked. That was a big surprise. Yeah, I bet it was. So I'm going to take you into our reality check section next. And so this is kind of where we normalize all of the aspects of motherhood. Mm hmm. So going back to 18 years ago when you first became a mom, Mm hmm. and thinking about adolescence now, is there anything that was kind of a surprise to you or anything that you really wish you had?

done or could say to your past self then in order to make those teen years a little easier now. I mean, I think with teenagers, like, because I counseled that population for so long, , that's the time I felt most prepared for. It's the first 10 years and the toddler years were the hardest for me because that's a whole different ballgame.

, but what I will say is that you can't counsel your own kids. It's not, you know what I mean?  Because they see you as different. No matter what, they don't care the degrees and the time that I've spent in the field. They're my children and I'm their mom. So, , with your own kids, if you have that kind of experience and that kind of expertise, you can't come at them as a counselor.

You're always going to be their mom. You're not going to be their best friend. , and so even though I had a lot of head knowledge, when it's your own child, you have to be able to separate your own emotions. , I was an extremely rebellious child. Very rebel. I was hell on wheels when I was a teenager, and so my goal was always to protect my kids from, you know, as every parent, we want to protect our kids from our mistakes.

You don't know how your child is going to respond to that. My daughter figured me out. Very early on. She's a brilliant genius, and nobody talks about how hard it is to parent a very, very smart child. Yeah. So she figured me out very early. And I was like, uh oh. My sons They're very intelligent as well, but  they don't think ahead like Ella does.

So, I think when you're going into parenting and the way that you think it's going to go and the way it actually goes, you've got to give yourself a lot of grace. And remember that we're all parenting on the fly to some extent, to kind of bring it back home to your question. It's most likely not going to go the way you planned, certainly from birth to the teenage years.

There's a lot of runway between, you know. And a lot of stuff happens along the way. So giving yourself a lot of grace and continuing to learn on the fly. And if something is not working, you've got to change it. And then , don't beat yourself up if the things that you read about or the things that you thought was going to work or be effective with your child isn't because they're evolving and growing extremely rapidly.

Especially during the teenage years, and you're evolving and growing and learning as you go, so you've got to give yourself and them permission to grow and change in the container of your home. Yeah, absolutely. We're always changing,  they're never going to be as young as they are right now, and you're never going to parent them in the same way.

As you are right now, right? Yeah, we're always growing and changing. So that's really an important thing to remember. , you said that you had a lot of head smarts about the teen years, but when it came to actually being In those teen years, that wasn't necessarily helpful. So what would you say was the most helpful in terms of that head knowledge that you had?

I think figuring out how to apply it to my children. Like, the developmental truths about children, like the prefrontal cortex and the way that the brain works, that's science, that's reality.  From a more global perspective of parenting, the first 10 years are going to show up in the second 10 years. So if you have an extremely rebellious two year old, hyper independent, the way that you parent them, the way that you respond in those first 10 years, you're going to see that again in the second 10 years.

So  Be mindful in those first 10 years,  because it's a foreshadowing of things to come because the goal is always separation. But, more, to your question, , I think just really looking at my kids and responding to them in the way that they need it in the moment. ,  they don't care about their prefrontal cortex in the moment when their heart is breaking or they feel like their world is crumbling. So it's First and foremost, parent to child, person to person, meeting the need versus how you think it's going to go in the book that you read and you've got to parent them in the moment for the long term.

So I can't always be thinking about, well, the consequences of this and six months down the road, like they need me in that moment when you're in the thick of it. It's. In those moment to moment parenting scenarios, and as our parent, it's our job to look down the road and, you know, protect them and insulate them and guide them, but don't be so lost in the way that you want it to go in the outcome that you .

Abandon both of you when you're in the thick of it. Your teen needs you desperately. And they want you desperately. But  they're lost in between two worlds and they don't know how to show it. Yeah. So they need consequences. And they are going to communicate with you often through behavior versus words.

Mhm. So, as a parent, kind of keeping an eye on both of those things. And parenting for your family. Do not be afraid to parent for your family versus society and what you see other people doing  and all that kind of stuff. You often have to toss that stuff aside for what's showing up in your life currently.

Yeah, absolutely. We talk about that a lot. Yeah, we talk about that a lot here about just doing what feels good for you, not the shoulds, but what actually is going to work for you and your family, right? Yeah. , and I think that what you said is really powerful because I think it doesn't just apply to the teen years as well, right?

Like whether they're 2 or they're 16. Yeah. They're going to have behaviors that you're going to have to respond to and not react to, right? To be able , to give them your best self and to be the best parent that you can be for them. Yeah, absolutely. And,  the good thing in the early years, they're cueing you how they respond to their developmental goals of separation.

So in the early years, if you can  watch how they handle those separation milestones that will help you in the teen years.  If your child is hyper, hyper independent, figuring out how to support that independence without stifling it too much and,  also giving them too much rope, you know, so it's that balancing act.

Yeah. As with everything in parenting, right? Everything. Yeah. And, you know, sometimes it's like we're in this information age and especially with social media, sometimes with parent, you, with everything, right? You've got to put the blinders on because what works for the mom next door, especially what works in somebody else's social media highlight reel.

Is not going to work within the four walls of your home for your kids. So sometimes, especially as moms, we've got to give ourselves permission to just follow your instincts and do what is best for your kids, even if it flies in the face of everything that you're, , seeing around you. Yeah. And I think that works too with the same scenario happening on different days or different times of the day too, right?

Oh yeah. You're always going to be changing up how things happen and what. you need to respond to. So whether it's first thing in the morning or late at night, the situation could be the exact same, but , how you respond to it could look very different. Yeah, absolutely. Especially with kids, because things change and we don't know what, like, with teenagers, you don't know what's going on in their world.

You know, things change drastically. My daughter cuts hair just for kicks. And so she cut someone's hair two weeks ago and yesterday she's like, I'm never speaking to that person again. Because he said something at lunch that she doesn't like. So, you know what I mean? Like, they were very close. He was great.

They were friends. And now they're mortal enemies. And, you know, that's one thing that she happened to tell me about. But in their world, there's so much  that you don't know about, no matter how close you are. And I think today as well, it's especially hard for teens because there's, they're also being influenced by social media and all of these things.

Externally, right? Immensely. Yeah. So how would you,  advise parents of teens to kind of handle that side of adolescence? Listen to your kids and watch for cues that they are in too deep. They're not going to come to you and say, I'm seeing things that I can't handle. I think privacy is earned.

I don't think that they  get privacy just because they're a human who lives in your house. If privacy is causing them harm or danger, then they can't handle that level of privacy. So, that phone, their room. All of that stuff, if they can handle that. and they're showing you that they can handle that, then that privacy is safe.

But if it's not, you, you need to know what's going on, you know, like I'm older. So when I was growing up and I came home from school, if somebody wanted to harass me, they had to come to my house or call my landline. Kids today, they don't have that kind of insulation. People are, they have access to at all times.

So if we don't instill those boundaries by restricting a phone or whatever, monitoring, talking to them. These people have access to them 24 7 and you have no idea, that's what we hear often too late, that children are receiving messages to harm themselves, to harm other people, to do this, to do that. So watch your child and If you are seeing any signs , that their level of access that they have is getting to be too much, you've got to be willing to step in, and they're not going to like it.

But we have to be willing  to deal with that, to step into that space of them being angry. Yeah. And then they're not going to like it. But  that's okay. They'll thank you for it later. And often the thing with teenagers and their freedom is if they're showing you signs that they can't handle the level of freedom, they need you to step in, but they're not going to come to you and say, I'm in too deep.

I can't handle it. They're going to act out. And that's your cue. You can't handle this level of freedom. Yep. Absolutely.  In my time in the classroom, I've definitely seen many instances of this, of teens supposedly being fine, but there's something going on that's deeper that's usually happening outside of the classroom but is somehow connected, right?

And it is that level of access that they're having all the time to all of these negative, Influences around them. Yeah. And so being able to have parents who not only are enforcing boundaries, but showing the kids how to have healthy boundaries themselves with their technology, I think is really helpful 

yeah. Yeah, for sure. , my daughter is pretty mature, so she's come to me and shown me texts from friends, and she's like, I need to end this friendship. I need to step away from this friendship. And  one of the things I'm really impressed with my daughter, she will have hard conversations with people and.

teaching them how to do that.  If your child isn't naturally lean towards that, walk them through it  and do it in a way that's going to make sense to them. Like you can teach your child, text them what they could say and give them some drafts to play with, give them some permission. 

You know, sometimes you have to step away from someone. It's not forever, especially in the teenage world, you know, your best friends,  you're on, you're off, giving them that space to learn how to say, I need to take a step back. And, , my daughter, , they have all these,  group chats and threads and this and that.

And it's like, maybe you don't need to be a part of that group conversation right now, if this is what they're all talking about. And just.  Giving them the permission to exit scenarios and conversations and things like text threads, like block it, mute it, , it's not working for you. And teaching them how to. That's, the good thing about all this social media stuff is you can silence all of it.

You just have to get comfortable. for a lot of us we've got to develop , that habit and give ourselves permission. Especially if you have a child who tends to be on the more empathetic side. You know, or the more sensitive side or is the rescuer of their group. Somebody asked, because my background is big into social work, so I've done a ton of trauma work.

And somebody asked my daughter, she's 18 years old, somebody asked her, does a savior complex run in your family because Ella's going into psychology?  That's Ella. She's the little fixer of her group. You know what I mean? So it's, it's wild. And so she has, fortunately, she's got pretty good communication skills, but she's also extremely sensitive.

So, her navigating this world where she wants to fix everything, but she's like taking all these emotional hits,, we've all got to learn that, but especially in a teenage world when your brain is developing as fast as it is and you're in this ecosystem of a high school that's you're

Absolutely. And I think , the aspect of temperament is very important as well, right? Yes. Because some kids, that's just going to roll right off their back. They're going to be able to mute and block all of the things very easily. And others will feel guilty or feel like they can't do it.

Right? Yeah. Yeah. I really like your idea of actually texting them what to text because then that takes all of the stress off of them, right? Yeah. They're able to just copy and paste it they want to, or they can just tweak a couple of words. Yep, exactly. Yeah, so that's a really great idea for, for all parents of teens.

And being able to, to show them how to properly do it. Yeah, and using do not disturb and, and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, absolutely. , I use time limit on my phone and I have found that it's very helpful for me. It just like cuts off all the apps at a Does it really? Okay. Yeah, so you can choose which ones you want to keep on or not.

And then it just. all of the notifications don't come in until you're out of the time limit again, which is really helpful for being able to, like, no, this is the time that I said I'm not supposed to be on my phone. So that could be helpful  for not just the kids, but the parents. Does. Yeah, I know, because we're, we're accessible all the time too, you know.

Modern, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, especially as working parents, right? We're often very busy, not just during our workday, but outside of the workday. So just being able to kind of have that boundary ourselves between what is work or what is business, what is home and family, and how to be that present parent that you want to be.

It's helpful to, to kind of make those boundaries for yourself. Yeah, absolutely. And especially both being in the coaching space because we don't have a nine to five clock in clock out, , kind of job. So it's very important for nurses and teachers and all that, because people think teachers are available 24 7.

What do you mean? You're, you're home with your own family? Yeah. Absolutely. Well, it's like the kids that see their teacher at the store or something, right? Oh my gosh, yes. Oh, I saw one of my counseling kids at the drugstore once and it was so bizarre. 

Yeah, it's, it's a mind boggling thing, but it can be for parents, too.  So what would you say are some of the biggest changes that you've kind of facilitated, either for the kids that you've counseled, or your own kids, or any other parents of teens? Mm hmm. Um, I think with teenagers, it's Giving them, , the tools to make conscious decisions and with parents understanding that if your child is acting out, that's them, it is the equivalent of them coming to you, sitting you down and saying, I cannot handle the level of freedom that I have.

I'm in too deep. And you can see I'm in too deep because I broke curfew last week. I, you know, smoked pot with my friends and X, Y, and Z. Your child is not going to come to you almost never and say that. So it's responding to their behavior. And, Stepping in for them and being  that covering for them teenagers want their parents to talk to them.

They want them to be involved and they do want your time and attention. a million years ago. I heard kids spell love T. I. M. E. Time. They want your time. And as a teenager, they're often not going to act like it. But The biggest thing with kids when I was counseling them, I almost never, especially with boys, sat down and talked to them face to face , I took them to a basketball court.

I took them for a walk, doing some kind of activity. If you want to get your kid talking, give them something to do with their hands. That doesn't absorb a ton of  mental load, but get them talking and do it over and over and over again. Because if you're not used to your kid talking to you, or the first time you're like, let's go get a coffee, they're going to think that you're going to drop some kind of bomb or they're in trouble.

Take them for a coffee, do or a shake or whatever it is that they like, and get it on repeat. The more that you're exposing them to opportunities to talk to you, The more they'll start talking to you, but in the beginning, they might be like, what's wrong? Am I in trouble? Why are we doing this? Or if there's something that they're not sure that they want to disclose, they're going to button up for that one time.

But if it's on repeat,  that will help to foster that trust. With teenagers, it's creating a safe space for them to break out of all of the stuff that becomes so normal. The stuff that they're doing. When  they have a parent that they can talk to, it's like, I don't have to engage in all this stuff that my friends are doing.

I can set this boundary. I can say no to that invitation. So. I think that, , they need that space. With my kids, I, I did a diversion and intervention program that was like, it was supposed to be 12 weeks long. But what often happened, in order to move through the 12 weeks, they had to accomplish certain things.

And so they would come in, and a lot of times these were kids who had gotten in trouble. And they would sit down and they would look at me and say, I'm not telling you anything. Yeah. And I was like, okay. And then I just pulled out my pack of paperwork and said, since you're not going to talk, let's just fill out this paperwork.

And before you knew it, I mean, to fill out the paperwork, I'm asking them a lot of questions and they are talking. So it's being able to approach them in a different way. If a kid is digging in their heels and is You've got to find a way with teenagers to sneak around the back. And so if you want to spend time with  your teen, and they're digging in their heels, find something else, anything else, ask them for help.

 You got to sometimes not come at them head on. So doing an activity together really helps, but what I found with the kids  who would sit down and look at me and say, I'm not telling you anything. And we did the paperwork. They were the kids who dragged their feet through the phases because they didn't want to leave the program.

Yeah. And so. We ended up creating other programs for them to graduate into, and once they knew that they had that safety net, then they went through and they did it. But people,  a lot of times think that teenagers don't want anything to do with adults. They do. They need your guidance. They want your guidance.

But you've got to create a container that works for both parties. We know a lot that our teenagers don't know, but they can't see it. As much as I know about teenagers and all this stuff and the life experience that I have, we're not living in the world that they're living in.

Yeah. So you show them more than you tell them. Mmhmm. And do it consistently. Yeah. And I think that with really rebellious teenagers, the thing that surprises parents the most is how desperately their kid wants connection. Yeah.  Because they're like, he won't talk to me, he won't this, he ran away last night, he did this, he robbed a store. And it's like, yeah, he's desperate for your attention.

When you first start giving it to him, he's going to push back because he doesn't trust you and he doesn't know how to ask for help. , That fire that he set last week? Was him asking for help in the best way that he knows how. We've got to look through all the noise.  And that's where looking at the first 10 years, how did your child respond in the first 10 years when they were afraid?

What did they do? Were they explosive? Did they isolate? Did they go to certain items for comfort? What did they do? Because You're going to get a bigger version of that most likely in the second 10 years of life. Yeah, absolutely. And you said that taking them out to do something, spending that one on one time with them, how do you manage that?

Like, how do you find the time to do that with your three different teens? Yeah, that's a really good question. Well, I mean, mine are 16 and 18 now, so it's easy at this stage. Uh, I'm also very, I'm a single mom, but I do, they have a dad who lives close by. We have a really good relationship and we started doing this even when I was married.

 So if you're in a two parent home, that, then that is the path of least resistance, right? Because one parent can stay with. However many kids in one can take them out. When,  my kids were younger, we invited a grandparent in, so dad would take one child, I would take one child, grandparent would take one child.

And you can do that with moms, you can do that, you know, if you have anyone in your life that , you can take their kids so they can have one on one with one of their kids. And if you have a partner, if you are a single parent, that's when it gets tricky. And so if you're a single parent and you don't have a lot of support because that's the reality for a lot of people, they're like, that's all fine and well.

I don't have a partner and I, my family lives across the country and I don't have parents that I trust. Then you do one on one the best you can within your home. And depending if you're dealing with teenagers. It's a lot easier, right? Because they'll go to their room, they'll, you know, if you have multiple kids, two of them hopefully can hang out together, and you can cook with one.

Just getting one kid in the kitchen is amazing. Make what they want. It doesn't need to be a big thing. It can be a snack if you're opening the door to one on one time. It doesn't have to be a huge thing. Like, my sons now are learning to cook, and it's amazing what you can talk about while they're flipping pancakes, you know, just opening the door, creating that habit, building that muscle of connection, because if they can just, , talk a little, whatever about a TV show with you while they're making pancakes, when something happens, they're more likely to go to you.

They have that reflex, that habit of I talk to mom, because with teenagers, if the stuff hits the fan, You want them to talk to you., 

with teenagers,  you have the bad idea generators and then you have the followers, right? And that's a huge,  generalization, but. In broad brush strokes, you have the people who are like, let's go do this. And then you have some kids who are going to be like, no, I'm not going to generate bad ideas and I'm not going to follow bad ideas.

And then you have kids who are going to follow. And I think knowing where your child is on that continuum and building the muscles that they need to either if they're bad idea generators because they are rebellious or because they think it'll be fun or they're risk takers. It's like, how can you do that in a way that is.

Safe and responsible. And if they're followers, building the muscle of saying no, and knowing that  about  where your kid is  in the peer realm. Yeah, absolutely. And so you mentioned that you've got moms having one on one time, dads having one on one time. Do you think it's, more helpful for the teens to have multiple people to go and have those one on one times with, to have more trusted adults,  especially with these higher conflict teens, is it better for them to just have one specific connection person, or should they have a bunch of options?

I think it depends on who those other people are. If you know the other people are going to give them solid advice, I don't see any problem with them having multiple resources, especially if it's something that the kid feels like you're going to have a really strong reaction to. It's not going to hurt for them to have another responsible adult to go to, especially for the first run, right?

 If they did something that they're really afraid they're going to get in trouble. I would do what I can to foster that communication so that they'll come to you. But if you have multiple people, as long as you trust them that they're not going to, potentially do anything harmful or guide them in a way that's dangerous.

, I don't see anything wrong with multiples. You just want to make sure that your child knows who they're going to go to. So too many cooks in the kitchen could potentially, . be messy, but if they're trustworthy,  I don't see any problem with options. But I think that's a good conversation to have with your child.

You know, these are teenagers, so ask them. , if you are in a really sticky situation, do you feel comfortable coming to me? Ask them. Watch their body language. And , make it safe enough for them to say, I would be too nervous to come to you. I would tell you eventually, but they might want another adult that they can do a dry run with.

The reality is some people aren't going to have that person. And so if that's the case, then figure out with your kids, make an agreement. Like my kids know they can send me one emoji and I will come and get them no questions asked.  If you want your child to talk to you, you've got to be able to manage your own emotional responses.

And if they drop something on you that you don't know how to handle, you need to be able to say, I don't know how to handle this right now. I'm glad you're home. You're safe. We're going to have to address this at some point, but I quite, I've got to go catch my breath. I need to go wrap my brain around this.

Sit tight. I will get back to you, you know, give them some reassurance. But , sometimes weird things happen, that's just the reality, especially in this day and age. And if you weren't like me, you were, you know, You had a different kind of adolescence than I did. Some of these things might be kind of surprising.

Yeah,  and if you haven't been around a lot of teenagers,  some of this stuff might be kind of surprising. So it just depends on what your background is with that person. So if your teenager comes and drops something on you that you don't know how to handle, it's okay to say, I'm going to need a minute.

Yeah, and I want to get into those parents who don't have a lot of experience with teens because we both kind of do. , so for those parents who are all of a sudden dropped into the world of teenagers and adolescents and they're like, what do I do in this situation? Yeah. Yeah, you  started talking a bit about the prefrontal cortex.

So do you want to kind of go into a very big overview of  the brain science and what adolescence is? 

Yeah, so the prefrontal cortex is The front of our brain that handles executive functioning.  It's like the catcher, right? So your amygdala and the rest of your brain is sending all these impulses.

The amygdala is very big on emotional gratification and sending all these emotional impulses. Your prefrontal cortex is the catcher. So as an adult with a fully functional prefrontal cortex, if we,  want to lash out at someone, we have that brain mechanism that's gonna stop us and say, that's your boss.

If you say this, you will get fired. We have that ability, and that doesn't develop fully until 25 years old. So, when we have teenagers, the rest of their brain is developed. Their emotions are firing, their hormones are firing fully, but the catcher, the executive function, that gatekeeper, is not developed.

So when your child does something that seems profoundly stupid, it's because that catcher, That filter, that executive function is not, it is legitimately not fully developed. Yeah. So yes, they have common sense. Yes, you have taught them right from wrong, but there are more powerful functions in their brain that are driving them versus a more balanced executive function, plus what they wanted to do probably sounded fun in the moment.

And that's what's driving them.  I think that. We look at teenagers because  they look a lot of times like adults, and in a lot of instances they act very adult, and then they go and do something, and you're like, what were you thinking? They were not. They were not thinking. Or they were thinking of something through the lens of an adolescent, which is very often much more shorter term.

Vision versus as an adult where we project farther down. Mm hmm. Absolutely. And so you mentioned one way to kind of stop yourself and just  take your moment, tell them you're going to get back to them when you can, but  you need a moment to step away. Is there any other strategy or trick that you have for these situations where you're like, Oh my God, they did something really stupid.

What do I do?  I think always remember connection before correction. And I think that that's kind of keeping ourselves as level as we possibly can as parents. Like if you notice all day long that you're having a short fuse, things have been, tripping you up and your child comes to you.

You've got to just do everything you can in that moment to put everything else aside. If it's a crisis, It's a crisis, and if you don't handle that, you don't ask for the moment, and you do fly off the handle. We as parents need to be able to go apologize to our children. Mm hmm.  Especially if it's something that really comes out of left field, these kids don't always sit you down and say, I need to tell you something.

You know what I mean? Like, you find out when you walk in on the room on fire, you know? And so, you don't have the, I need to go take a moment, kind of option with teenagers. Mm hmm. , and so in that case, if you don't handle it, well, give yourself some grace, but acknowledge it to them and talk to them about how you would like to handle it.

But I think with teenagers getting ahead of the game and saying. If something happens, this is our protocol, this is how we do it, as much as you can get ahead of it, so that you're not walking into a room on fire, if at all possible, but the reality is, you might, you might get blindsided, you might not handle it well, and if that's the case, then we need to know how to repair relationships.

Because every single relationship in the world goes through connect and disconnect. Most people forget the third phase, which is repair. And we all like the connection phase. We don't like the disconnect phase. And repair, we don't know how or we don't like it. Repair means we apologize.

Repair means we might need to listen to some feedback on our behavior that we don't like. Repair means,  it's uncomfortable, but it's also critical. And if we as parents can facilitate that, our relationship with our children will be much more successful. And after they move out of the house, they will want to talk to us.

Yeah. So. And you're modeling that behavior for them to be able to do that in their relationships too, right? Yes. Absolutely. It's really important to not just have your relationship be good together, but showing them and giving them those tools to do it themselves later on. Absolutely. Because it's every single relationship.

There's no relationship in the world that isn't going to go through those cycles.  It happens because we're all fallible people and we all screw up at some point. So exactly.  I have one more question for you, and it is for the parent who is like, I've tried every trick that I've ever read about.

I've tried all the things I've tried, the connection piece, I've tried all of these things, but nothing has worked. My teen still won't talk to me. They are still having all of these big responses all the time. What  would be your, , number one trick or tool for them? I think getting really honest about where the problem started, because when you have a teenager and things have blown up, it didn't just start.

So we as parents have to look back and say, all right, what was it like in the first 10 years? What has this child, really, truly, what has this child experienced? Because kids don't usually get incredibly explosive without something to explode over. Mm hmm. So we as parents, we're not perfect people. So going to, where did this really, truly start?

And what do I need to do to reconcile that? Obviously, we can't change the past, but did something happen in the course of your child's life that was really hurtful to them and has it actually been addressed? Mm hmm. You may have thrown some stuff at it to try and like smooth over the explosive behavior or the acting out.

Mm hmm. But have you addressed whatever it is that is causing it? Do you know what the cause is? And that could be something behavioral, that could be something environmental, it could be one specific incident that hasn't ever been talked about. A lot of people put their kid in therapy without being able to effectively vet the therapist.

Therapy can be a great tool, but there are a lot of really bad therapists out there. And especially, like, I'm in the United States, with insurance, there's so much pressure to give people a diagnosis. Therapeutic hours are getting shorter and shorter, and the therapists have so much more that they have to do on the insurance end of things.

People are burnt out and they're overwhelmed. If your child is seeing a therapist and nothing is changing, do not stay with that therapist. And if your child is seeing a therapist and your therapist doesn't have a plan, do not stay with that therapist. Talk therapy can be effective, but other times all it does is reinforce a traumatic event, especially if that kid has been given a label.

You're depressed, you're anxious, you're this, you're that. The more we pour on that identity, the bigger it gets. So back up and look at where did this start and what is the problem and sit down with your kid and talk to them and as parents, it's up to us to guide them through whatever is going on. So if they're really explosive, there's a disconnect somewhere.

So,  I think knowing what the problem is, ruling out, is there something going on, , from a psychological standpoint, an impulse, you know what I mean? , is it a medical thing or is it behavior? If it's exclusively behavioral, that is much easier to address. But, you're probably going to have to do some backtracking.

It's probably going to be messy for a while because  the pattern has exacerbated to this point. Your child didn't go, most likely, from calm and collected to highly explosive. It built over time without somebody stepping in and capping it and recorrecting it and redirecting it. So, I think  finding somebody as a parent, you've got to have somebody in your corner who's going to support you and guide you and help you.

And if  it's not a therapist, look for a coach. This is where coaches are awesome because we as coaches are able to be more directive. We're not going to diagnose your child. We're not mental health professionals. We are coaches, which means we are there in your corner to Guide to coach you. If you're getting some wins, we're going to help you get more wins.

If you've been fumbling the ball, we're going to help you figure out why you're fumbling so much and stop it. So getting the right professional on board, getting the right support on board is huge. . Yeah, absolutely. , but ask your child, mm-hmm . What is going on? You're making a series of really bad decisions.

What is going on? They are telling you, behaviorally I am not okay. And so, uh, responding to that behavior, like, listen, you're, you're not okay. You're explosive. This is what I have to do in order to keep you safe , until we get this corrected, whether it's limiting screen time, limiting activities, changing  their nutrition.

Caffeine, sugar, food dyes, huge, huge, huge, huge, but letting them know that even when they're acting out, you are in their corner because , their behavior  really,  pushes you away, right? Because it's hard and you don't know how to deal with it and it's not. You know what I mean? It's very,  not repulsive as in makes you sick, but it's a repulsive behavior that pushes people away.

Yeah. And so they're insulating somehow. Mm hmm.  And it's, usually goes back to something that has not been addressed. And as parents, a lot of times that's some kind of action on our part. Whether we knew it or not. It could be big, could be little, could be divorce, could be anything. But holding that door open for them  and listening without defending.

And if you screwed up, you screwed up. I've screwed up a million times.

It's gonna happen. You know, hopefully not on a epic scale, but  we, as parents, are there to guide them through the good, bad, and the ugly. And the more connection that you have, , the better it'll be. And if you've gone through a period of disconnect, just knowing that the road back to connection isn't necessarily going to be lined with sunshine and rainbows, but it's still a way back and you can get there, but it's the parent that's got to drive that because the kid is lost in the sauce.

They don't know what to do. And they're a kid.  You're the parent. You're the grownup. So it's your job to be the one , to do that. Yep. Absolutely. Yeah. Because they want that and they look to you for it more than they let on necessarily. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I absolutely loved this conversation, Heather.

I would love to know if you have any resources or where can people find you if they want to get more information? Yeah,  Facebook DM, , or through email. Awesome. Mm hmm. All right. Well, thank you, Heather. , thank you so much for having me. It's been a real pleasure. Yeah. All right. We will chat soon. All right. Sounds great.